feelings · feels

sad.

Sad.

I feel sad.

A lot of things actually.

Except depressed.

But mostly sad.

.

Sad.

Sad that a lot of people are not happy. Are not satisfied. Would do anything to hurt anyone else, as long as it pleases them in the end. Are searching so hard for a never-ending source of happiness and gratification, but come up with nothing, and end up feeling even more empty on the inside.

Mad.

Mad that so many think it’s okay to be selfish at the expense of others. That people think being extremely rude is so cool. That plans never seem to go as expected ever, and that every great expectation keeps getting flushed down the drain. That nobody ever really understands what’s on my heart — that they just pretend to, which proves them all just fake. That at times when I didn’t know what was good for me, and others did, I was left to wallow in my ignorance and figure it out, way too late.

Bad.

Bad that I’ve been so ignorant for so long. That this ignorance has ended up hurting more people than myself, on the long run. That I’ve been so judgemental, simply because I thought I knew the truth, but was barely even aware of half of it. That I have been too blind to acknowledge a lot of things I probably should have, and only do when it’s way too late.

Scared.

Scared that history will just keep repeating itself. That no matter how hard I push, I’m just going to keep hitting a brick wall, same way I always have. That I might not be good or determined enough to pull off everything I want to, even though I’m well aware I am. Scared of rejection. Scared of disappointments. Scared I’ll raise my hopes too high for everything. Scared that the ending I get to this story won’t be good enough for me

Glad.

Glad that a lot of people are discovering themselves. What they love to do. What makes them happy. Who makes them happy. That through the struggle, people still find ways to thrive. That even when there’s no one, people still figure out how to make themselves happy. That after finding happiness, people still feel the need to spread that warmth into this cold, cold world we live in.

But mostly, sad.

Sad that there’s still this gaping hole left inside my heart, that never seems to be able to close up completely. And no matter how much help I get, there’s always going to be a reason for this little dark cloud to keep looming over my head. It’s a normal phenomenon, I guess. But I’ll never be able to get used to feeling this way, that’s for sure.